What happens at the secret cabinet meetings of Goaput? Find out with ARAVIND BHATIKAR in this satirical piece.

THE SECRET Cabinet of Goaput meets on Monday evening before the Goaput Vewsline TV channel for the customary interview of Parritler.  However, last Monday was special because of confusion created by the three day long “Bhajan” of Pejek Dee Party at the Inter-notional Centre of Goaput.  Hathani Mal Ghena, Khaghus Honrado, Transtis D’Souza and Stifflip Meri all belonging to minority community in Goaput came to meet Parritler.  “Hathani Mal Ghena” is the Sukknni language equivalent of “he doesn’t take the stuff in his own hand”.  It is widely believed by Goaputans that Hathani has been given large bribes by Parritler for his support.  But Hathani has not taken this bribe directly.  That is why Goaputans have named him as Hathani Mal Ghena. 

Kaghus Honrad is also a nickname given by Goaputans to a minister to indicate that the minister is highly corrupt and accepts only big bribes.  “Ghus” in Hindi means bribe and “Honrado” is a Portuguese word meaning respectable.  The minister is called respectably corrupt because he insists on taking only large bribes.  Transtis D’Souza is also a minister.  His ambition is to transfer his loyalty to different political parties at least thirty times before he retires from politics.  That is why Goaputans call him Transtis D’Souza.  The word “Tis” in Sukknni language means 30.  Stifflip Meri is an independent MLA supporting Parritler’s Government for reasons not known even to himself.  He doesn’t speak much and maintains a stiff upper lip.  That is why Goaputans call him Stifflip Meri.

All the above four MLAs have come to attend the secret Cabinet meeting to clear confusion in their mind created in the last few days by the Pejek Dee Party.  Ghatrao Singh Mone is not attending this meeting because he has gone to Delhi to meet the Tonga Race Party bosses to tell them that he is the only man in Goaput whom Tonga Race party can make the next Chief Minister.  Shabu Slumgaonker is also absent for the meeting since he is busy putting up a new slum on the newly acquired Government land near the bus stand in Merdegaon.

Hathani: Parritlerbab, what is this your party is saying ?  You want to strengthen the party with “focus on ideological orientation?”

Transtis D’Souza: Yes, how can we remain in your party if your party says it is a Hindu party?

Stifflip Meri: Yes, yes, please clarify right now.  I do not want to be a Hindu.

Parritler:Arre, you people are unnecessarily worried.  That word ideological orientation is wrongly reported by press. You know how our journalists are.  They neither know journalism nor English.  What we said was, “ideal orientation.”

Hathani: What does that mean?

Parritler: It means we have decided to choose the orientation which is the most ideal.

Transtis: How will you know what is the most ideal?

Shabbash Bolingker: We are going to appoint a committee which will have five representatives each from Pejek Dee party, Self Service Society (S.S.S.), Ek Rang Dal and Risk Hindu Parishad.  This Committee will be given three years to make a study.  Then they will give a report and we will discuss that report in a seven day Bhajan Meeting in Nepal.

Parritler: (To Bolingker) Are you sure, it will be in Nepal?

Bolingker: Yes, because within another three years no state in India will have Pejek Dee Government and it will be difficult for Pejek Dee party to have such Bhajan meetings where we do not have our own Chief Minister.

Stifflip Meri: So there is no danger of you asking us to be Hindus?

Parritler: No, it is not necessary, since your forefathers were Hindus. (Parritler and Bolingker laugh). In any case, the ideal orientation of our party will not be decided for the next three years.  So there is no reason for you to withdraw your support.

Khaghus Honrado:   What is this declaration by Pejek Dee President that we will focus on “Individual Conduct?”

Parritler: Do not worry.  That refers only to those members who are not MLAs or ministers.  We are not fools to expect good conduct from ministers and MLAs.

Khaghus: You are sure that  you will not insist on exposing my past sex-rackets and extortion crimes?

Parritler: No, no, man, how do I run the government if I do all this?

Transtis D’Souza:   Your President also said, “Organisational Discipline?”

Parritler: That need not worry you.  You are a disciplined soldier of the party. That is why you led the crowd attack on the Tonga Race party member’s hotel in our place.  I think all your questions are answered.  If you do not have any more questions, you people may go.  Bolingker and I have other important matters to discuss.

Hathani: Only one more suggestion  Instead of waiting for three years for your Committee’s report, why not ask the National Institute for Everything (NIE) at Dona Paula to give a report on the subject?

Transtis D’Souza : Why NIE?

Hathani : They give reports on any subject. Besides, you can tell them how you want it and they will give exactly the way you want it.

Parritler: You are right!  They are very good!  Their reports on Coastal Regulation Zone and four lane project were done exactly the way I wanted it.  We will consider your suggestion.  Any other thing to be discussed?

MLAs : No.

(All the four minority MLAs leave the meeting room)

Bolingker: Do not trust these fellows.  They are looking for some excuse to topple your Government.

Parritler: No, no ! I don’t trust them. But they don’t have the guts to ditch me. I have proof of all that is given to them.  Besides, I can put them to shame by exposing all their secrets.  I have got a file on each of them.

Bolingker :   Speaking of trust, I heard you on TV the other day saying that your Government depends on trust.  You also said that your Government will not fall.

Parritler: So ?

Bolingker : You should not be a hypocrite and speak of trust. All Goaputans know that you cheated MGP and built up Pejek Dee party with their voters.  Also, you threw out Jardin Government when Jardin was holidaying abroad.

Parritler: Guruji, this is politics.  Unless you talk one thing and do the opposite, you cannot succeed. Besides, people do not remember these things for long.

Bolingker: By the way, I saw some newspaper reports about our last meeting of the secret Cabinet.  I hope there are no hidden video cameras in this room.

Parritler: No, no.  There cannot be any secret video cameras in this room because the Tehelka photographer has run away from Goaput.  Only he had the expertise for secret photography.

Bolingker : How did you manage to drive him away from Goaput ?

Parritler: Guruji, don’t ask me such questions ?  You know that I can do anything I want in Goaput.  Driving away a photographer is a very small matter.

(A peon knocks at the door and announces that Dr. Order Dey has come to see Parritler.  Parritler asks the peon to send him in.  Dr. Order Dey comes in)

Dr. Order Dey is the Secretary of Pollution Decontrol Board and CZMA (Coastal Zone Mismanagement Authority).  He is called Order Dey because he always obeys the orders of his master.

Parritler: (To Dr. Order Dey) You people will never improve.  I ask you to do one thing and you do another and always put me to difficulty.  What is the noise about naphtha pipeline in Kaina ?

Dr. Order Dey: I have now given orders to stop using that pipeline.

Parritler: But why did you allow it to be laid above the ground ?

Dr. Order Dey: Sir, you told us not to put difficult conditions but to help them to put the pipeline.  So, I had told them that their work should not be visible to the people.  They misunderstood.  Now they are telling me that their meeting with you was not visible to anybody.

Parritler: You mess up everything.  That dredging affair!  The works along the river for which I laid foundation!  I told you somehow to see that permissions are given quickly without referring anything to Government of India.  You created so many problems that I am in trouble because of you.

Dr. Order Dey:   Sir, I did whatever your Chief lawyer asked us to do.  I have gone to the extent of justifying all illegal action on the basis of explanation which he has drafted.  Now my career is in danger because I obeyed you.

Parritler: Do not worry.  Your career will never be in danger, because I know you will carry out the wishes of every Chief Minister.  I just called you to warn you to be more careful!

(Dr. Order Dey leaves the meeting room)

Bolingker: You should hurry up with the fund collection for S.S.S. and the Pejek Dee party.  If your Government falls or if Central Government stops all the work or if there is a special audit by the Auditor General, you will be in soup.  There will be no IFFI and no money.

Parritler: Guruji, contractors will not pay unless they receive money from the Government.  We have given a lot of advances and collected funds from these advances.  But it will take time to collect as per our target.

Bolingker: In the meantime, you must do something about these NGOs who are making serious allegations against you on this IFFI work.

Parritler: I have asked the CID to suggest ways to silence these NGOs.  I have also asked Government Departments to find fault with office bearers’ businesses and harass them.  You must have read about the cockroach that was found in a cake in a shop, belonging to an office bearer of an NGO!

Bolingker: Yes, but that doesn’t seem to have worked.  Similarly, the FDA Inspector’s visit to the hospital of another office bearer did not yield any result.  You should not be hasty and impulsive in your tricks.

Parritler:  What to do Guruji?  There is nobody to help me.  I have to do everything myself.

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