A tongue-in-cheek column by ARAVIND BHATIKAR

THE MEETING OF the Secret Cabinet last Monday took place again in the mental hospital in Goaput.  Though, the Chief Minister of Goaput was admitted as an in-patient for being kept under observation for a few days, the Pejek Dee Party leaders in Delhi, and senior psychiatrists flown in from Bangalore decided that the CM should remain in the mental hospital for another week.

The Pejek Dee Party leaders in Delhi took this decision because of various factors. Though, the party had a new President called Gidwani and Gidwani insisted that the Pejek Dee Party should return to Hindutva, Parritler entered into a long argument with him on phone and insisted that he would be redefining Hindutva.  According to Parritler, Goaput had no minority population.  Parritler felt that, since the forefathers of Christians and Muslims were originally Hindus and since the colour of everybody's blood was the same, there was no difference between Islam, Christianity and Hindu religion.  Parritler also insisted on saying that Christians and Muslims were more loyal to India than Hindus.  He also suggested that in the light of the rules of the World Trade Organisation, the Pejek Dee Party should change its name to International Junta Party (IJP).

Gidwani and others were shocked.  They thought Parritler was becoming insane.  Their suspicions grew stronger when they received news from Bolingker about some decisions taken or were about to be taken by Parritler.

The first decision which was about to be taken was regarding Haraam Leela.  Parritler proposed to Bolingker that there should be a Haraam Leela in Goaput during Dusserah season where effigies of all Haraams should be burnt.  He calculated that there would be a total of 105 Haraams in all political parties in Goaput.  The Haraams included 40 members of the Goaput Lazyslative Assembly.  He also made an allocation of Rs. 50 crores for the celebration of Haraam Leela.  One S.S.S. volunteer who was asked to finalise the size and shape of effigies decided that the largest effigy, about 100 metres in height, should be that of the CM.  The volunteer pointed out that this was because the CM was the most powerful Haraam.  The plan for Harram Leela celebrations  were dropped.

The second decision related to the Internotional Filth Festival.  He ordered in a file that all delegates staying in different five-star hotels should be served scotch whisky free of charge, by the management.  When the hotels came to know of this, they refused.  Parritler ordered the Police Department to close down all the five-star hotels.

Another decision was to serve food  in dhaba-style  on the bridges of the river at Fondji.  Parritler was so thrilled with his own idea that he also passed orders that this should be a permanent feature of Goaput Tourism and that there should be ten more bridges built on the river at a cost of Rs. 500 crores so that more food can be served to the tourists.  Parritler was told that the best thing about the river in Fondji was that it had land on both its sides.

Another decision of Parritler was to show films on beaches.  He ordered on file that during film shows groundnuts should be served in paper “puddio” to the audience and that paper “puddio's” should be made out of The Daily Navdung Times, because this newspaper was excellent for such a purpose.  He also ordered that contracts should be given to International Consultants at a tender price of not less than Rs. 100 crores, for picking up waste-paper from all Goaput beaches, after the film shows.

Another decision which Parritler took was to rename all roads in Goaput and that first it should be done in Fondji city.  One S.S.S. volunteer suggested that the name of Fondji city itself should be changed to Parritler Nagar.  However, he could not spell it properly.  The result was it was decided to rename Fondji as “Farttillhurt” Nagar.

It was because of the above decisions taken by Parritler that party leaders and senior psychiatrists attending on Parritler thought he should continue to remain under observation in the mental hospital.  Parritler still thought his decisions were fantastic and that party leaders and some S.S.S. leaders objected because they were jealous of him.  He however, thought that some of these decisions should be discussed once in his Secret Cabinet meeting, where in he would also call his Private Secretary and the Chief Secretary who were both “I YES” officers and the Director General of Police who belonged to the “I. BHI. YES” Service.

The Chief Secretary, the Private Secretary and the D.G.P. were waiting in the meeting room.  Parritler was still sleeping, since he was administered a strong dose of tranquilizers by the psychiatrists.

CS :   (Asking others)  Are you people also looking relaxed for the same reason that I do?

DGP:  I think so. (laughs)

PS :  (laughing)  What is the reason?  Why are you relaxed?

CS:   When Parritler is sleeping, all Government servants are relaxed  total peace of mind!  No tension.

DGP:   I have never had so much tension in my career any where.  He doesn't bother about rules, regulations and conventions.  It is very difficult to work in this State.

CS:   That is true, but you cannot spoil your career by pointing out to him every time that he is wrong and that this is not the way to run a Government.

PS:   We have a dual responsibility. To get along with him, and to save our skin.

CS:   Yes.  See what has happened to I YES officers in Uttar Pradesh.  Mayawati is left scot free, while I YES officers are punished.

DGP:   The CM is totally berserk.  He wants me to close down all five star hotels.  Under what rule?  I have no authority under any rule.

CS:   Yes! and that problem regarding allotment of duties to DIG's!  I told the CM that, that was the work of the DGP  But he wouldn't listen.  He insisted that we issue orders from Public Department.

DGP:   I am really fed up.  He does not allow us to work.  Regarding that Exposition, he wants the police to be in charge of the arrangements.  If police are to be in charge of everything everywhere, we will require ten times more police force in Goaput.

CS:   Don't tell it to him.  He may start a new Pre-employment Training Scheme to recruit 25000 S.S.S. members in the police force.

(A nurse comes in and tells them that CM would be coming now to meeting room.  Soon there after, the C. M. comes.)

CM:   (To DGP) You have finalised the traffic arrangements for the Exposition?  I want to see the details.

D.G.P. :   Yes sir !  We have requested Government of India to send a satellite picture of old Goaput to decide how to organise traffic.  After receiving the picture we will feed it to the computer and the computer will tell us which car to park where, on what date.

CM:   Excellent! But how will you know which cat will come on which date?

DGP:   That also will be told by computer.

C. M:   Excellent!  Ours should be really a hi-Tech Government!  (To the CS).  Tell me, how do you like my idea of charging more fees from parents who are richer?

CS:   It is a fantastic idea sir!  All other states also should follow it.  When people come to see you the same principle can be followed.  Rich people should pay at least ten thousand per visit and poor people need not pay anything.

PS:   How will you distinguish between those who can pay and who cannot pay ?

CM:   That is easy.  I can find out in a minute the moment I look at a person.

DGP:   Sir, we can also follow that system in our police stations.   If a rich person comes to complain, he should pay a minimum of Rs. 1000 per complaint.  Poor people should not be allowed to complain.  If they are allowed, there will be a loss of revenue to the Government.

CM:   Excellent idea!  How do you like my idea of serving food on the bridges during the Filth Festival?

DGP:   Fantastic!  But what will happen to traffic on the bridges?

CM:   Stop all traffic after 6:00 p.m. on the bridges.  Anyway, this problem will only be there this year.  By next year, I will have ten more bridges on the river.

CS:  Sir, your ideas are great!  Shall I ask Public Perks Department to call for tenders?

CM:   No tenders!  Goaput State Infrastructure Development Corruption Ltd. (GSIDC) will do the work.  I have told them how to do it.  I had two more ideas to discuss with you but I can't remember them just now.  Give me two minutes time (Parritler closes his eyes and starts thinking.  After about five minutes, others realise that he has fallen asleep.  The CS calls the psychiatrists waiting in the other room.  The psychiatrists listen to the proceedings of the meeting secretly taped by the D.G.P. without Parritler's knowledge.

Psychiatrist 1:   He has not improved.  I think he is passing through a manic stage,  a severe one.

Psychiatrist 2:   Do you think he should be administered electric shocks ?

Psychiatrist 1:   May be.  We will discuss this further.

(Bolingker, Mone and Slumgaonkar rush into the meeting room angrily.)

Bolingker:   Sorry, Gentlemen, all of us were stopped by the in-patients of the hospital and they refused to allow us to go until the police rescued us.

Mone: We knew all this.  That is why last time we did not attend the meeting.

Slumgaonkar:   If Parritler wants, he can remain here permanently.  We will not attend meeting here again.

CS:   (Addressing Bolingker and others)  Doctors have advised that the CM should be administered shocks because his mental condition is worsening.

Bolingker:   What will happen to the Internotional Filth Festival, if Parritler is kept here under observation and for shocks?

DGP :   May be we can have the festival in the mental hospital itself.  We will be really No. 1 State in the country to do so.

(The nurses come and help Parritler to go to his room on a wheelchair.  The meeting ends.)

Back