Two hi-flying consultants from Gujarat, Dr. Bhogadia and Dr. Joker, who specialise in strategies for winning Assembly elections, were down in Goaput to guide the Pejek Dee government. ARAVIND BHATIKAR reports.

THE MEETING of the secret cabinet of the Pejek Dee Government in Goaput took place last Monday in Rotigaon in a Reserve Forest in South Goaput.  The meeting took place late evening in the house of the Sarpanch of Rotigaon village.  Parritler had decided not to have the meetings of secret cabinet at his official residence on the hill because he could not depend on security provided by police constables recruited through the S.S.S. recommendations.  This time he decided that all members of the secret cabinet and the trainees will travel in black and yellow taxis to Rotigaon Sarpanch’s house in Reserve Forest, where no Tehelka photographer could hope to reach easily.  The taxis were owned by Shabu Slumgaonkar under different names and hence there was no danger of anybody revealing the place of the secret meeting.  Since most Goaputans did not know what their ministers looked like, there was also no danger of ministers’ visit to Rotigaon being reported.  There was only danger of people recognising Parritler because everybody saw him daily on TV and on the pages of newspapers.  So he disguised himself as a Sardarjee.

The meeting was attended, as usual by Parritler, Bolingker, Ghaatrao Singh Mone, Shabu Slumgaonkar and the two trainees from Gujarat.  Papdiben had by now started wearing jeans and sleeveless blouses like foreign tourists and Dhoklabhai loved to be in shorts, T-shirts and straw hat. In addition, there were two tall men in long robes, with white flowing beard, attending the meeting.

Parritler: Today, we have two consultants from Gujarat who specialise in strategies for winning Assembly elections.  One is Dr. Bhogadia who has got a doctorate from the Sexford University in England and the other one is Dr. Joker who has a doctorate from the Hard Bird University of America.  I have invited these consultants to advise us on how to win the next election in Rotigaon.

(To Dr. Bhogadia and Dr. Joker) Please explain your strategies.

Dr. Bhogadia: I will explain on behalf of both of us.  (The lights go off.  The host comes to the meeting room and informs that lights go off everyday and position has become worse during last two years.  He brings a small lantern and keeps it in a corner of the room).

Parritler: Please go on Dr. Bhogadia.  You will have to have this meeting in darkness.

Bolingker: Good! Additional Security against fellows like Tehelka!

Dr. Bhogadia: We have three packages. You have to select the one that is suitable to your State.  Up to now, we have sold these packages to Madhya Pradesh, Rajasthan, Chatisgarh and Jharkhand.  They say they will decide to use one or the other before the next election.

The first package is called G1 i.e. Gujarat 1.  Briefly, it involves killing of a big group of Hindus of between 50 and 100 by setting a train on fire and then spark off communal riots between Hindus and Muslims in the whole State.  The objective is to reduce the population of Muslims atleast by 5000 and simultaneously create pro Pejek Dee sentiment amongst Hindus.  Of course, the basic condition for carrying out this strategy successfully is that the State must be ruled by a Pejek Dee Government.

Shabu: We have a Pejek Dee Government in Goaput.

Mone: But we do not have so many Muslims in Goaput except in the Housing Board colonies in Rahimnagar in Merdegaon.

Shabu: No, no, you should not touch the Muslims in slums in Merdegaon. They are all my voters and my own source of income.  They supervise all my illegal businesses.

Bolingker: Strategy G-1 is not likely to work in Goaput because even if there are communal riots they will not start before 10:00 in the morning and they will stop at 1:30 in the afternoon.  The rioting will continue only next day at 10:00 o’clock.

Parritler:   We are discussing the strategy for next election at Rotigaon.  There is no train service in Rotigaon.

Mone: But there are bus services.  Like the burning train in Godhra, we can have burning buses in Rotigaon.

Parritler: No, no, all buses that come to Rotigaon are owned and run by Pejek Dee and Tonga Race leaders.

Shabu: Why should you worry about Tonga Race leaders?

(Parritler, Bolingker and Mone laugh loudly.)

Parritler : (To Dr. Bhogadia)  Please, explain your strategy No. 2.

Dr. Bhogadia: Strategy No. 2 is called A2 i.e. Ayodhya 2 .  Goaput must have an old Muslim structure which the Sangh Parivar will claim and destroy.  The Propaganda about the disputed structure will be made for atleast a month from now to incite the Hindus to destroy the structure.  The structure would be destroyed about ten days before the election so that Pejek Dee Party can gain from the Hindutva wave.

Mone:  There is no structure like that in Goaput.  Goaput Hindus are also not fanatics like your Gujarat Hindus.

Shabu: Yes, yes.  This trick of Hindus destroying Muslim Mosque or Christian Church will not work in Goaput.  We are all friends here.

Bolingker: (To Mone and Shabu) You people do not deserve to be in Pejek Dee party.

Mone: I am not a member of Pejek Dee Party.

Dhoklabhai: (To Papdiben) Why are these people fighting?

Papdiben: I do not understand.  I think Mone wants to leave the Pejek Dee Party and join Tonga Race party.

Dhoklabhai: I think so.

Parritler:   This strategy will also not work in Goaput.  People here are too lazy to do this sort of hard work to destroy big structures.  Even small structures like the Mara Mari beach stadium and the old medical college building was pulled down by employing ghati labourers.

Please come out with another strategy.

Dr. Bhogadia: Strategy No. 3 is called M3 i.e. Maa  Rashtra 3. This consists of arranging bomb explosions on bus stands, football grounds, temple compounds, beaches, casinos, restaurants, bars, etc.  so that police can catch other community miscreants and say that they want to spread violence and kill people.  By this strategy, we will create hatred in Hindu minds towards other communities.  That will give Pejek Dee party Hindu votes in the election.

Parritler:   But this strategy may spoil Goaput’s main industry, tourism.  Most Pejek Dee leaders have invested lot of money in five star and four star hotels in Goaput.  They will all be bankrupt if tourism finishes in Goaput out of fear.

Dr. Bhogadia:   All our strategies are rejected by you.  Both Dr. Joker and myself will come out with new strategies after the next two months.

Parritler: (To consultants) Next time, we shall give you only train fare between Goaput and Ahmedabad.

Parritler: (To other members of the committee) How about taking up the issue of Sonia Gandhi’s foreign origin?

Bolingker: It will not succeed because Goaputans were ruled by foreigners for 450 years.  They are very fond of foreigners.

Mone: Pejek Dee party has lost last Parliament elections even though all Pejek Dee leaders made Sonia Gandhi’s foreign origin the main issue.

(The Sarpnach comes in bringing in a tape recorder.  He places it before Parritler and switches it on)

Parritler:   What is this ?

Sarpanch: Khaghus Hon-rado and Easy-Dhor Morn-adis had come to my house yesterday.  I sent my son out when they were talking.  But my son forgot to take away his tape recorder.  It was on in a corner and it recorded Khaghus’s conversation.

(Conversation ……

“Khaghus: Easy-Dhor, I want to become the next CM of Goaput.  For that, I have already got support of Hathani, Stifflip Meri and Sab-Din Ao-Lekar.  I will get you elected from here.  You must support me.

Easy-Dhor:   How can you become CM with support of only four MLAs ?

Khaghus: You and I will resign from Pejek Dee.  Others will withdraw their supp-ort. We will form the Government with Tonga Race party support.  After six mon-ths, we will fight elections on United Goaput party ticket with Tonga Race support.

Easy-Dhor : How much will you give me ?

Khaghus : Rs. 5 crores and any portfolio that you like.”

………………Conversation ends)

Bolingker: I have always told you not to depend on such people.  Now what do we do?

Mone: Khaghus and Easy-Dhor are riff-raff.  They are not gentlemen.

Parritler: Now we have to work to defeat Easy-Dhor though he will fight as Pejek Dee candidate.

Bolingker:   How will you do it?

Parritler: We will have to sit and decide about the strategies.

(Suddenly somebody takes away the lantern and everybody is blinded by two photo flashes.)

Parritler:Arre, arre, who is taking photos? (The lights come on.  There is sudden noise and commotion outside the Sarpanch’s house.  One person is seen running and disappearing in the forest.)  The secret cabinet members and others come out. Bolingker asks the Sarpanch as to what happened.  Sarpanch explains that somebody was hiding below the window and hearing the discussion of the secret cabinet.  He ran away after the lights came.

Parritler: Today’s meeting is finished.  Let us go back.

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