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PEOPLE IN DELHI LAUGHING!

BY A.P. BHATIKAR

The meeting of the Secret Cabinet of Goaput Government last Monday again took place in the secret room at the official residence of the CM on the hill top at Fondji.  Parritler was in a bad mood because the Cabinet decision to keep the DGP’s post in abeyance had itself to be kept in abeyance.  This was the latest of the hundreds of decisions taken by the Goaput Government beyond their jurisdiction. Parritler’s action in spending huge sums of money on Guiltiplex and infrastructure under the pretext of IFFI had not gone unnoticed in Party headquarters in Delhi. 

Gidwani, the new President of the Party, had many problems and these were increasing by the day.  Party’s image was spoilt by Surma Bharati’s open indiscipline.  Gidwani did not want the Party to suffer further because of Parritler’s style of functioning, though he still fondly remembered Parritler himself serving him Goaput’s famous “tambdi bhaji” during the last bhajan meeting of Pejek Dee Party National Executive in Goaput. 

Now there was another problem.  The Pejek Dee party’s ex-MP of Goaput Naabaad (Not Out ) Naik had complained to the High Command that Parritler was playing mischievous games to keep Naik out of Goaputan politics.  He also reported to the High Command details of corrupt activities undertaken by Parritler in the name of the International Filth Festival in Goaput. Gidwani immediately issued orders to appoint Naik as co-ordinator of the Filth Festival Committee and Naik soon landed in Goaput. Parritler had to include him as the member of the Secret Cabinet because that was the wish of the High Command telephonically communicated to him.

Apart from Naabaad Naik, there were the usual members of the Secret Cabinet.

Parritler : So! The IFFI is a great success.  Our success will make other States jealous and they will also start asking for being identified as a permanent venue for the International Filth Festival.

Naabaad Naik: This means that Government of India has not yet decided about which will be the permanent venue of the Filth Festival?

Parritler: No, not like that! When our Party Government was there in Delhi, they committed that festival will take place permanently in Goaput.  But after Tonga Race Party has come to power, nobody has repeated that assurance.  No letter in writing! No MOU also!

Naabaad Naik: Then why did you spend such huge amounts on Guiltyplex and on Kaala Academy?

Parritler: You should know; we require funds for the next election.

Naabaad Naik: I don’t like this idea of indulging in corrupt activities and spoiling the name of the Pejek Dee Party.

Bolingker: If you people go on arguing, Tonga Race Party will take advantage.

Mone: No, no!  I am not going to tell them anything.

Slumgaonkar: There is an article in India Today saying that IFFI in Goaput will not be successful because no famous actors and actresses from Bollywood and Hollywood are coming.

Mone: (To Slumgaonkar) Since when did you start reading India Today?

Slumgaonkar: No, no, somebody told me.

Parritler: Yes, yes!  That is to some extent correct but people in Goaput do not know about it.  Otherwise, Goaputans will say we have wasted Government money on IFFI which was unsuccessful.

Naik: That they are already saying because everybody knows that Delhi authorities have not yet declared Goaput as the permanent official venue.

Bolingkar: But they have publicly announced it.

Mone: You should not take these announcements seriously.  Your former Prime Minister Bajpai announced that he will gift Rs. 350 crore for the Sky bus project to Goaput. What happened?  Now there is no news.  Everybody is keeping quiet.

Naik: People in Delhi are laughing!  IFFI has taken place for two years there.  People from Delhi didn’t even know when IFFI came and when IFFI went.

Slumgaonkar: Went where?

Naik: (Ignoring Slumgaonkar and pointing a finger to Parritler) You have unnecessarily created too much noise about this IFFI.  IFFI has done more harm to Goaput by giving you people opportunity to engage in corruption.

Parritler:  (To Naik) You talk as if you are in the opposition.  Even the opposition members kept quiet after I told them in the Goaput Assembly that I was prepared to face any enquiry by a Chartered Accountants’ firm.

Mone: But you did not do anything.  There were demands by some NGOs that you should allow Accountant General to conduct a special concurrent audit of IFFI infrastructure.  If you had asked AG to do it, opposition would have been silenced.

Slumgaonkar: No, no, Mone.  What will happen after AG points out all illegal things that our Government has done?  What our Parritler did is right.  He should not appoint any enquiry.

(The security guard comes in announcing that a delegation of S.S.S. office bearers from Fondji wanted to meet Parritler and Naik because they wanted to discuss something urgently. Bolingker asks the security guard to send them in.  Three office bearers walk in and take their seats)

Naik: You want extra passes for S.S.S. volunteers?

Volunteer No. 1: Yes, we want at least 20% of the seats in all theatres to be reserved for S.S.S. volunteers free.

Parritler:  That is not possible because that woman Director of Filth Festival does not listen to me.  Already we had lot of difficulty in convincing her that we should throw open 20% seats to public. Ultimately, she agreed.

Bolingker: I have an idea.  The S.S.S. volunteers will purchase those 20% seats before others do and money will be reimbursed by the theatre contractors to them.

Parritler: Yes, yes.  That can be done.

Volunteer No. 2: But we do not want English movies to be shown.  There is too much of kissing in English movies.

Volunteer No. 3: (To Volunteer No. 2) No, no. You are wrong.  If they stop English movies then no S.S.S. volunteer will be interested in seeing the movies.

Mone: You people can now a days see all these things on the TV.  It is not necessary to come to the Guiltyplex.

Parritler: There is no point in discussing this issue, because that woman does not listen to me in what pictures to exhibit and what pictures not to.

Bolingker: That is why we do not allow women in our S.S.S. organisation.  How can such a junior woman challenge a powerful man like the CM?

Parritler: Now it is Tonga Race Party’s Government in Delhi.  These officers, men or women are not afraid of me. They do what they like.

Volunteer No. 2: But we must spread our Indian culture through the IFFI.  We must censor these foreign films.  Government should appoint a Censor Board consisting of some Pejek Dee MLAs and S.S.S. volunteers.

Slumgaonkar:  (With obvious excitement on his face) I want to be on this Censor Board.

Mone:  (To Slumgaonkar) Shabu, Censor Board is not like Housing Board where you can make money while selling plots and houses.

Parritler: That woman will not agree to a Censor Board.

Volunteer No 2: But she has already said that Sukani language films will be exhibited only if they are cleared by the Censor Board.

Parritler: She is talking about the All India Censor Board.  We cannot appoint our own Censor Board of Pejek Dee and S.S.S.

Volunteer No. 1: There is a good opportunity in this IFFI for us to get some employment.  People are afraid to sit in the Guiltyplex after the Merdegao Guiltyplex caught fire. We can sell insurance policies to visitors.  We can collect Rs.25 from each visitor and insure him for Rs. 5 lakhs.

Bolingker: Which insurance company will employ you?

Parritler: That may not be a problem.  I can call some of these private insurance companies and threaten them that they should start such scheme.

Slumgaonkar: That means you yourselves are not sure that Guiltyplex is safe.

Parritler: (Smiles) Shabu, sometimes I am forced to believe that you have some brains.  That is a good point.  We will not start any insurance scheme in Guiltyplex.

Bolingker: That woman director form Delhi gave statement to the Press that she would not permit films to be shown in Merdegao Guiltyplex unless State Government gives guarantee of safety.

Mone: State Government has not given guarantee even for the safety of Guiltyplex in Fondji.  So why is she allowing films to be shown here ?

Parritler: Because if she does not allow it, the IFFI cannot take place in Goaput. 

Naik: It is better that the State Government does not speak anything about the safety of either the Guiltyplex or Kaala Academy.

Mone: What is this controversy on where to have A. R. Mehman’s music show?  Naik said one thing, Parritler said another thing?

Bolingker: First of all, why should you have a show by this Muslim music director?  There are so many Hindu music directors.

Parritler: (To S.S.S. Volunteers) If you have finished saying what you wanted to say, you may now go.

(The S.S.S. volunteers leave after making one more attempt at getting the insurance idea approved)

Parritler: Since I am giving press statements about IFFI, nobody else should give any press statements.

Naik: Since the head quarters of Pejek Dee Party has appointed me here as co-ordinator, I will definitely give statements.  I am not a dummy.

(To Parritler) You give statements to press on everything in Goaput.  So let me give statements on IFFI.

Parritler: But people and media will think I am powerless.

Bolingker: Everybody already knows that you are powerless in front of that woman Director from Delhi.

(Parritler’s cell phone rings.  The DIG informs him that there is information received that there is a bomb planted in one of the theatres in the Guiltyplex and that the police are asking people to leave the theatre immediately.)

Parritler: The meeting is over.  DIG says that there is a bomb planted in one of the theatres.  I have to go there.

Bolingker: Why do you want to go there?  Police will do their job. And people will die, if they have to die!

Parritler:  I will not go into the theatre or even very near the theatre!  But I will be seen giving instructions to all the Police and other officials on how to manage the situation.  Even if the bomb bursts, I will not be hit because I will be at a safe distance.  Tomorrow’s newspapers have to come out with headlines that I personally supervised rescue operations.

(Everybody laughs and leaves the room )