Thanks to the political prowess of Parritler, Goaput has now become the new training centre for fresh recruits sent by Modibhai. ARAVIND BHATIKAR takes a closer look at the secret cabinet meeting of the Pejek Dee government.

THE MEETING of the Secret Cabinet of the Pejek Dee Government in Goaput took place last Monday at the Chief Minister’s residence on the hill.  This time the meeting was attended by Gharoghar Parritler, Shabash Bolingker, Shabu Slumgaonkar and two new trainees from Gujarat who arrived on Monday morning to replace the two sent back to Ahmedabad.  Ghaatrao Singh Mone was absent because he was in Delhi attending the All India Tonga Race party meeting.  All the participants were wearing saffron burkhas.  In the light of what happened during last Monday’s secret cabinet meeting, Parritler has introduced a password system for the secret cabinet meeting.  The participants had to whisper this password in the ears of the police constable outside the meeting room and enter the room only when permitted by the constable.

Parritler: (To other cabinet members) These are two new trainees who came from Ahmedabad.

Shabu Slumgaonker: Where are the old trainees?

Parritler: I sent them back to Ahmedabad because they caused the Pejek Dee party here lot of embarrassment.

Shabu Slumgaonker: How is that ?

Parrritler: They wanted to see a rave party at the Nudejuna beach.  I told them that they should go with the local Police Inspector who could guide them in detail about the rave party, body massage, etc.  But they went alone.  Some foreign woman became friendly with Rotla-bhai and Mithiben and offered them dinner.  Next morning, Police found both Rotlabhai and Mithiben drunk and unconscious on the Nudejuna beach.  Fortunately, police identified them from the letter in Rotlabhai’s kurta and brought them to me.  I spoke to Modi in Ahmedabad and sent them back immediately.  Now Rotlabhai and Mithiben have been replaced by Dhoklabhai and Papdiben.

Bolingker: I think you can start a training school for politics in Goaput.

Dhoklabhai: Sirjee, our Modi sab says, “you go and learn from Parritler in Goaput.  He is first in everything.”  What have you done here?

Parritler: I do not want to explain my achievements from the beginning; that will take a long time.  Anyhow, you will come to know about it from other Pejek Dee members.  I will only tell you my newest achievements.

Shabu Slumgaonker: I have heard this word “newest” for the first time.

Bolingker: They do not speak much English in slums.  Otherwise, you might have heard it.  Anyway, our English seems to be becoming like Gujarati Engliss after Modi-bhai started sending his trainees to Goaput.

Parritler: Let us not worry on “Engliss” that is anyway not our Indian language.

Papdiben: Sirjee, tell us about what you have done.
(Gets ready with a notebook and ballpen to take down notes.)

Parritler: (i) I took away Easy-Dhor Mornadis from Tonga Race party.  I am the first in the country to use loopholes in anti defection law even after they amended it to prevent defections.

(ii) After Easy-Dhor joins our party and becomes our MLA and after I make him a minister, my cabinet will have five ministers belonging to minority community.  That is 40% of the total number of ministers in Pejek Dee Government. An All India record.  Again my Government will be first in India to be really a secular Government.

(iii) I can now claim to be secular, without making my Government too much dependent on Hathani Mal Ghena, Stiff Lip Meri and Sab-Din Ao-Lekar.  When Easy-Dhor joins our party we shall be twenty in the Legislative Assembly.  Even if these three withdraw their support, we do not have to worry.

(iv) Madhya Pradesh, Gujarat, Rajasthan and other states where they have Pejek Dee Governments, can learn from me because I am running my Government with three tainted ministers.  No noise from public !  Only nam ke vaste protest from Tonga Race party!  My minister Khaghus Honrado is a notorious extortionist.  Two ministers Transtis D’Souza and Gayanand Shendrikar (Shendrikar is so called by people because he was a door to door salesman of shendreo and hanthreo (mats) before he joined politics) led a crowd of Pejek Dee party members to attack the property of a Tonga Race party member.

Dhoklabhai: How much money you paid to Tonga Race party MLA to defecate?

Bolingker: (Laughing loudly) No, no it is not to “defecate” but to “defect”.

Dhoklabhai:   Yes, yes, the same thing! How much?

Parritler: I have paid Rs. 1 crore to Easy  Dhor.  And promised to make him the Public Perks Department Minister.  Before that, he will be Chairman of Merdegum Planning and Development Authority.

Papdiben:   You also give money to Tonga Race leaders to keep quiet ?

Parritler: No, I have secret files on them.  All of them have black money and benami property.  I have information in my files.  Also, I have already started police cases on many of them and kept these pending.  They know that if they start making too much noise, the cat will be out of the bag.

Papdiben: (To Dhoklabhai)  This place is different.  Here they keep their cats in
their bags.  We must see how and why they do it.

Dhoklabhai: (To Papdiben)  Yes, yes, I do not like this violence against animals.  I am a Jain.  I must tell Modisab to tell Midwaniji in Delhi to stop using cats in politics.

Shabu:   What are you people murmuring ?

Papdiben:   Nothing, nothing.  ( To Parritler)  Where do you collect all these funds from to buy costly MLAs?

Parritler: Oh, it is very easy.  You have your Financial and Industrial Corporations.  Call all the big borrowers since most big borrowers do not like to repay loans.  You tell the Industrial and Financial corporations to write off their loan and force them to give you 50% of the amount as donation.  Have you seen the Pejek Dee head office in Goaput?  What Tonga Race party could not do in the last 40 years, I have done in three years.  Another way of collecting party funds is have very big projects and give it to very big contractors from outside Goaput.  Employ engineers and architects also from outside.  If the project is of Rs. 100 crores, you can collect at least Rs. 50 crores.

Dhoklabhai:   I have not understood.

Parritler: Tomorrow both of you go and sit with the Chief Accountant of Goaput Infrastructure Corruption Ltd.  He will explain to you in detail.  He will also explain to you how Pejek Dee party is making money in the name of Inter-notional Filth Festival.

Bolingker: Gharoghar, my sixth sense tells me you are going to get into serious trouble on this Inter-notional Filth Festival issue.  You have become too reckless.  Your theatres will not be ready by November.

Parritler: (Laughing) Guruji it is what they call a win-win situation for me.  If the theatres do not get ready by November, I shall blame engineers, architects and contractors.  I can also say bureaucratic procedures have delayed contracts.  I have already formed a committee of bureaucrats.  I shall put the blame on them,  like the Chief Ministers do everywhere.  If theatres are ready but the Tonga Race Government in Delhi decides not to hold the Filth Festival here I shall blame them for playing politics.  People will forget our illegal actions and start blaming the Delhi Government.  If after all this, the filth festival takes place, I shall be a hero in the eyes of the Pejek Dee party and because I could do it even when the Pejek Dee party is not in power in Delhi.

Shabu: Wah! Wah! First class! You are an ITI brain.

Ghaatrao Singh Mone: (Comes in shouting) What sort of security police have you kept outside?  He is not ready to allow me in unless I tell him the password.  I told him that I have forgotten the password.  He said, “I will tell you the password and then you tell it to me and then I will allow you to go in.”  I did that and he allowed me to come in.

Parritler:   Some of these fellows are really dumb.  Guruji they are all recently recruited on recommendations of S.S.S. pramukhs.  They must be more careful about whom they recommend.

Bolingker: Quality of discipline has gone down every where!  What to do?

Parritler: (To Ghaatrao Singh Mone)  When did you come from Delhi ? What happened?

Ghaatrao :   First of all, I did not want to go to Delhi.  But I went there because you asked me to find out what Tonga Race leaders are thinking.  I found that no Tonga Race leader talks freely to me.  Everybody knows that I am your man.

Papdiben:   (to Dhoklabhai) Who is there in this burkha ?

Dhoklabhai: I think he is a CID Inspector sent by Sirjee to find out about Tonga Race party.

(A CID constable comes with a one page secret report and gives it to Parritler.  Parritler looks worried after reading the report.)

Bolingker:   What happened?

Parritler:   Easy-Dhor is resigning from Pejek Dee and joining the United Goaput party.  Khaghus Honrado is forming his own group of minority community MLAs and is about to withdraw support from our Government.  He wants to form the next Government with Tonga Race party support.

Shabu: (To Parritler)  I have some work, I have to go immediately.  (He gets up to go)

Parritler: I know where you want to go!  Before going to United Goaput party, take this file and read it.  It has details of municipal land you sold as yours in Mandi market in Merdegaum. (Shabu is confused and takes the file)

Parritler : Guruji, new problem.  I have to now think of new tricks.

Guruji : I told you not to depend on these minority community MLAs but you never listened.  Never forget your S.S.S. training.  If at all you want to buy MLAs, buy Hindu MLAs.

(Parritler is busy telephoning his secretary asking him to keep all secret files on his ministers ready for action)

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