For lonely singles of all ages looking for romance, marital partners or just a date the internet has become a heaven sent. More marriages are made on the internet than in the heavens if one goes by the mushrooming of shaadi dotcoms. You cannot open any website without being bombarded with photographs and messages from lonely hearts looking for romance. JONQUIL SUDHIR takes a hard look at romance on the net and warns that the goldfish may actually be a tarantula.

SANGEETA IS SINGLE and oh-so-willing to mingle. The problem is she spends gruelling hours in front of the computer in her office and has no time to pursue relationships. That added to the fact that, after being cooped up in her shell for so many years, she is shy, self-conscious and has an enormous fear of rejection. She has very few friends and her social life is non-existent. Does that mean Sangeeta is doomed to a life of solitude? To be alone and forlorn? Not necessarily. She can start her quest for the ‘one’ right in her office. I’m not suggesting she seduce her married boss, flirt with her equally busy colleagues or sweet talk the peon (no matter how well he makes her morning tea). In fact, she doesn’t even have to move off of her seat to start a relationship. All she has to do is log onto the Internet, enter one of the millions of chat rooms and start a conversation. Chances are, she will make at least ten (if not hundred) new friends on the first day alone.

I know what you’re thinking. The Internet is for psychos, geeks and weirdoes no one would look at in real life. But the idea of meeting your potential soul mate over the Internet is no longer only a desperate man’s choice. It has become a more common and even respected means of meeting people. The Internet these days is used for anything from pursuing friendships to soul mates, from kinky virtual sex to arranged marriages. In this busy, fast paced world, it is hard enough to meet someone in real life; it is even harder when jobs or research for college requires us to spend hours in front of the computer. So, it makes perfect sense to tie work and play together. You can work on the computer and simultaneously chat with anyone you want. And it is easy enough to do. Almost every website these days has a chat room or a discussion group. To make your search easier, you can log onto Google and ask for the chat site you may be more interested in (for example, chat sites in India, chat rooms on literature, chat rooms for sports lovers). A search for matrimonial sites in India will give you more than 38,000 links.

Depending on the website, you may have to create a profile of yourself before proceeding. But most will just ask that you create a username before entering the chat room of your choice. Once connected, you may not even have to make the first move as it is likely that someone will start a conversation with you as soon as you enter the room. The mandatory first question is “asl please,” which is a short form for age, sex, location. You can choose to tell the truth or bluff, it is entirely up to you. If no one approaches you first and you are not much of a conversationalist, some sites will even go to the extent of providing you with icebreakers like “how do your closest friends describe you, do you have a hidden talent, do you believe in love at first sight”… the list is endless. If you’re still stuck for words, read some of the previous comments and ask a relevant question. Responses will flood your screen. You can converse with more people on the net in one day then you normally do in real life in an entire month. Soon you will recognize familiar names and look for those who have sparked an interest in previous visits. And you decide how far it goes. A friendly chat on the Internet can lead to emails, phone calls, meetings and even marriage.

You can’t deny the obvious perks of cyber communication. It is exciting and intriguing. Most of us would never dare to talk to strangers. But on the Internet, you could talk to more than 50 people per day. Without any inhibitions. Since you do not know the person you are talking to, you feel free to say whatever you want without the fear of being judged. Another obvious attraction is the lack of physical barriers. The Internet allows people to get to know each other without basing their feelings on physical attributes (sure, people use webcams now to see each other and talk, but you can choose not to). Race, size and disabilities are not important. Which is a welcome change from being judged on looks. People are able to open up and create relationships based solely on personality and mental aptitude. Which sizably reduces their fear of rejection. And hey, if the person you are chatting with does not gel with your personality, you can switch to another person. There are millions to choose from. There are no rules about fidelity; you can have as many virtual lovers as you want, with no serious ethical consequences.

But undoubtedly one of the reasons why people love to chat online is because the Internet has become a location to play out your fantasies, erotic and intellectual. Cyberworld is an unconstrained place to reveal aspects of yourselves you would not be able to in real life. You may be a plain Jane or an average Joe who never takes risks and rarely goes out, but on the net you could be an exotic belly dancer, a bungee jumper, a world traveller… whatever you want to be. The Internet enables experimentation.

But there are also the obvious drawbacks and dangers. The Internet offers a fun and secure environment to meet others, but when you venture to meet personally, it may be a different matter. Yes, you do make friends with people based on their personalities and not their looks, but if you do decide to meet them; you might be in for a very rude shock. Based on conversations, people build views and mental pictures which may be totally different from reality and once they meet, turn to disillusion and disappointment. So while you may think your cyberlove looks like Brad Pitt, don’t be surprised if he actually looks like Frankenstein. Remember you’re not the only one playing out their fantasies. People are lying to you as much as you are lying to them. And there is no full proof way to find out if they are telling the truth.

Particularly watch out for people who seem too good to be true. Chances are, they probably are. Take all the time you need to test for a trustworthy person and pay careful attention along the way. If you suspect someone is lying, he or she probably is, so act accordingly. Be responsible about romance, and don’t fall in love at the click of a mouse. Don’t become prematurely intimate with someone, even if that intimacy only occurs online.

Also, try to guard your anonymity. Never include your last name, email address, home address, phone number, place of work or any other identifying information in your free profile or initial messages. Stop communicating with anyone who pressures you for personal information or attempts in any way to trick you into revealing it.

A telephonic conversation may reveal more about the person. But do not reveal your personal phone number to a stranger. Try a mobile phone number instead or call from a telephone booth. Only furnish your phone number when you feel completely comfortable.

After chatting and speaking over the phone for a while, you may feel sufficiently confident to meet him or her, but be careful. Always remember, except for your conversations, the person is a stranger not known to your friends or family. He may sound like Romeo, but he may turn out to be Jack the Ripper or the Boston Strangler.

There are very real dangers involved in meeting your ‘virtual’ friends. If you do want to meet, take your friends along. If alone, meet in a public place; tell someone that you are meeting; leave a profile of the person with a friend or family member; inform them when and where you are meeting; be very aggressive when it comes to your safety and comfort level; make sure any phone numbers given are legitimate and finally, but most importantly, if you have any doubts about the person you are going to meet, don’t do it.

The internet is a great place to build loving and trusting friendships, but be careful with whom you make friends with. Whether you decide to correspond online or meet members offline, use your judgment and be responsible for your conduct. In both the virtual and real worlds, common sense should prevail.

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