ANTHONY J SIMOES takes a tongue-in cheek caustic look at Goa’s tourism industry in the manner in which Goa is projected to the world.

GOAAH IS ADVERTISED all over the world as the place for fun and frolic. For sun, surf, sand, sea and susegado lifestyles. For its own special brew called feni, - a drink for the Gods. Entertainment that is all inclusive. Wine, woman and song. Grub, grog and grind. Pimps, prostitutes and pedophiles. Homosexuals and sodomites who are jokingly and colloquially referred to as “Bonquists”. It is a paradise for catamites, transvestites and gigolos. For heroin, cocaine, cannabis, ecstasy, LSD and brown sugar. It’s truly all inclusive.

Believe it or not, Goaah also has lots of  churches and temples. Lots of heritage buildings and historic/archaeological sites. Some waterfalls and springs. Caves and carvings. Painters and paintings. The people are lively and easygoing. They are artistic and practical. They have a rich cultural heritage, traditions and spirituality that is cosmopolitan. And a lot more. And still Goaah can be a hell on earth.

Recently, I interviewed the CEO of Goaah INC, who spoke quite freely and frankly.

AJS: Sir, the health situation is pretty bad in your tiny state.

CEO: It’s all these cheap ghanti, Kannadi, bhaile labour who come from areas where malaria, filaria etc are endemic. They infect the locals.

AJS: These are vector borne diseases. So where do the mosquitoes come from? And what about the air borne, water borne and enteric diseases that are quite prevalent.

CEO: It’s all these builders who are the cause. They are all outsiders - BHAILE. They create all this stagnant water.

AJS: Why is the Goverment of Goaah going ahead with all these IFFI related projects at the height of the monsoons?

CEO: If you are with PMCA, or a relation of Chicken Party, you can leave right now. This interview stands terminated.

AJS: Oh no sir, nothing of the sort. I can forget IFFI in a ZIFFY.

CEO: Don’t you try to steal my thunder. It is I who am going to produce an IFFI in a ZIFFY.

AJS: Don’t you think there are too many ‘law and order’ problems in your paradise?

CEO: Not at all. It is only a minor case of temporary insanity on the part of our Law Minister.

AJS: What about all these dacoities, robberies, burglaries .....

CEO: Once again it is the foreign hand of the BHAILE. I will soon be meeting the CMs of Karnataka, Maharashtra, Andhra Pradesh, Tamil Nadu, Kerala and ask them to stop their people from coming to Goa. They are all welcome as tourists.

AJS: Rajan Narayan says Goaah has the highest pothole density in the whole of India. He has even had a pothole (p/h) photograph contest.

CEO: He is another BHAILO posing as a Goan. He is more loyal than a King. But he is ignorant and short-sighted. After Ganesh immersion all the Pot holes (p/h’s)  will disappear.

AJS: What has Ganesh immersion got to do with pothole (p/h) repair?

CEO: The HC has banned the immersion of Plaster of Paris idols in natural water bodies for fear of pollution. My goverment will allow the idols to be immersed in the pot holes (p/hs). The plaster of Paris will then bond with the bitumen to produce a perfectly flat, strong road surface.

AJS: That’s brilliant. Shame on Rajan Narayan for rubbishing you on pot-holes.

CEO: I did not spend 5 years at IIT POWAI for nothing. Did you know I am a graduate metallurgist from IIT POWAI?

AJS: Everyone in Goaah and India knows that. It is definitely your USP for Goaah INC. I know quite a few senile Goans who tend to forget your name and refer to you as out IIT CM.

CEO: In fact I am so well known that even the Feedayen are after me.

AJS: For the sake of Goaah I hope you do  not attract the attention of Ossama Bin Laden.

CEO: He does not worry me one bit. As a result of the garbage disposal ‘SWARM’ project in Goaah, I have a factory that produces trucks which are GARBAGE-BIN-LADEN.

AJS: On that positive note Sir, I will take your leave and wish you all the best of British Luck.

CEO: We were ruled by the Portuguese you stupid twit. You should read some of our RSS history books.

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