HI-TECH DEFECATION DISPOSAL SCHEME ON ANVIL

BY ARAVIND BHATIKAR

THE “OPEN HOUSE” was conducted by Parritler last Monday in his chambers in the new Secretariat.  As usual, the three members of the Secret Cabinet were also present as observers.  They were in the usual disguise.  Dr. Madfellow was also seating in a corner with his notebook and pen ready to observe Parritler’s behaviour.  Initially, Parritler was unwilling to allow him in but the Pejek Dee High Command in Delhi insisted that Dr. Madfellow should be present and report directly to them.

Parritler instructed the security guard at the entrance not to allow anybody inside until he gave permission.

Parritler: Before people start coming with their complaints, I want to discuss an urgent matter with you.  You must have read in newspapers that the Governor of Goaput has started visiting remotest villages in Goaput to point out that we are not doing our work properly.  If he continues like this, we will become unpopular.

Shabu Slumgaonkar: You should stop him from going.  Give him new drivers who do not know the roads. So, whenever he wants to visit border villages, they will take him to Marnnatak or Maa-rashtra.

Parritler: (Ignoring Shabu) The Press has reported that the villages of Dongorgao, Poiswaddo and Raandongri are very backward.  My question is how to stop this fellow from doing this mischief?

Bolingker: He is a politician from Hahaland the remotest part of our country.  Whenever he says Goaput is not developed, you can say Hahaland is more undeveloped.

Parritler:  But now he is Governor.  If I speak too much he will dismiss my Government.

Shabu: What to do?

Mone: He has pointed out that in the village of Poiswaddo Primary and Secondary schools are running in two cowsheds.

(Parritler immediately watches the computer screen on his table, presses a few buttons on the keyboard and smiles.)

Parritler: Not possible.  I have given one computer to the Secondary school in that village.

Mone: That Press Reporter told me the villagers have kept the computer near the photo of God and are daily putting a flower garland around it and lighting a lamp in front of it.

Parritler: (Speaks on his mobile to Asst. Director of Education of Killpem Taluka in which the village is situated) Why did you give a computer to Poiswaddo?

ADE: Sir, Director of Education has given instruction that every school should be given one computer.

Parritler: But that school is in a cowshed.

ADE: Sir, there were no instructions from Director that schools in cowsheds should not be given computers.

Parritler: (Phones up to Chief Engineer, Electricity) Why does the school in the cowshed in Poiswaddo not have electricity?

The Chief Engineer:  (Seeing his computer) Sir, the school in the cowshed in Poiswaddo does not have electricity because Poiswaddo itself does not have electricity.

Parritler:  Why does Poiswaddo village not have electricity?

Chief Engineer:  (Referring to computer) Sir, computer says, there is no road to that village, that is why we could not take electricity poles and wires there.

Parritler:  (Phones up to Chief Engineer, PWD) Why is there no road to Poiswaddo village?

Chief Engineer:  Because it is far away on the borders of Goaput.  We have no funds to make the road.

Parritler:  Why have you no funds?

Chief Engineer:  Sir, funds of three Talukas having backward villages were diverted to make the new bridge in Fondji because of IFFI.

(There is a phone call from Raj Bhavan from Governor’s secretary.  He informs Parritler that the Governor will be going next week to five backward villages on the Goaput border and will spend the whole day there with Heads of all Government Departments.)

Parritler:  Oh my God!  We have to do something to stop this fellow.  Think! Think!

(Security guard comes in and tells Parritler that Bhimadad, an old Pejek Dee Party worker from Jannkonn village, has come.  Parritler allows Bhimadad in.)

Bhimadad:  Bhayee, I want to make number two.

Parritler: What?  Why do you not speak in Sukkni language?

Bhimadad: Our Pejek Dee President from our village has said that all Pejek Dee workers should speak English.

Parritler: Ok, Ok.  (Calling the security guard in) Arre, take Bhimadad to the toilet outside.

Bhimadad: No, no, no!  No toilet here. I want to make number two in village but no toilet there.  You say Government conduct survey of people making number two in fields.  Surveyor came my house afternoon when all men go out.  He ask my 22 year age daughter, “Where do you go for number two?” She beat him with a big danda.  He is in hospital.  No Surveyor coming now. Survey stopped.

(Parritler and others laugh loudly.  Parritler assures Bhimadad that surveyors will come in the morning when men folk are at home. Bhimadad leaves.)

Parritler: (To the Secret Cabinet) You see! We want an “Open-Defecation Free Goaput” in another two years.  Government of India will give money for building toilets but I have better proposal.  First time not only in India but in the world. It is called HTDD Scheme.  It means Hi-Tech Defecation Disposal Scheme.  There are 301 Panachayats in Goaput. Each Panchayat will have four long air condition vans, each having eight toilets.   The vans will look like long ‘eighteen-tyred’ trucks.  One van will be parked in front of the Sarpanch’s house and the other van in front of Dy. Sarpanch’s house.  One will be for men and the other will be for women.  Each van will do duty for 24 hours and will go and dispose off the excreta during the next 24 hours.  All excreta will be vacuum sucked in a huge fuel tank in a 100 MW Power plant based on “goo-gas”.  The vans, the hi-tech toilets and the goo-gas power plant will be the first of this size in the world and is likely to be built by the famous Boeing Aircraft Company in France and the Airbus Aircraft Company in America.   The whole project will be completed before next elections and will give employment to about 5000 drivers.  It will cost the Government Rs. 1600 crores including Rs. 400 crores for the 100 MW goo-gas power plant.

Shabu: Wah, wah, what an ITI brain!  But I have one doubt. What will happen if the power stinks?

Parritler: No, no.  We will take care of that.  We will ask the National Institute of Pornography in Goaput to prepare a report to say that it is not a stink but it is perfume.  Those scientists are good at convincing people that a stink is a perfume.

Shabu: I do not understand what you are talking. Explain!

Parritler: They have already given Reports to us certifying most of our illegal projects by the river side as legal.

(Khagus Honorado barges in, in a highly agitated mood.)

Khaghus: (Looking at the Cabinet members and then speaking to Parritler.) I want to talk to you alone.

Parritler: No, no it is ok.  These are all our people.

Khaghus: No, no. I want to talk to you alone.

(Parritler says ok and takes him to a corner and both of them talk in hashed tones.)

Khaghus: You promised that you would make EasyDhor Chairman of Merdegao Destruction Authority, you have not done it.  I believed you and dropped the idea of defeating your Government.

Parritler: I have some problems in Merdegao.  But I can do one thing!  I can split Goaput State Infrastructure Destruction Corporation in two, one for South and one for North Goaput and make Easy-Dhor Chairman of South Corporation.  He can start many construction companies in the name of his relatives and friends and give all contracts to them, as we are doing now in Fondji.

Khaghus: Ok.  Another point! You have announced that you have withdrawn the communal CD! But everybody knows that you cannot “withdraw” a CD because already thousands of copies are distributed.  You must publicly apologise to the Christian community.

Parritler: No, no. I cannot do that publicly.  The SSS people will remove me from the Chief Minister’s seat.  I can do one thing.  I can apologise privately to the Christian community leaders.

Khaghus: Ok, ok. I will organise a tea party in my house and invite them and you.  That time you apologise.  One more thing.  Henceforth in all Government functions, I must be given a seat in the front row.  Not like IFFI!

Parritler: Ok, ok.

(Khaghus marches out without even bothering to say hello to other Cabinet members.)

Shabu: What was he saying?

Parritler: Nothing.  He was giving me the names of Pejek Dee MLAs who had decided to resign from Pejek Dee Party and join the Tonga Race Party.

(Everybody looks at Shabu silently.  Shabu is uncomfortable and does not know what to say.  Parritler receives a call on his mobile.  He starts sweating and stands up even as he listens.)

Parritler: (To the Cabinet) That was my private secretary.  He has informed that the new bridge in Fondji is collapsing and there are already wide cracks on the bridge. )

Bolingker: Ask the Public Perks Department to repair it immediately.

Parrilter: No, no. They cannot repair it because the bridge is not handed over to them.

Mone: What do you mean?

Parritler:  We decided not to hand over the bridge to PPD because if we had done it they would have asked too many questions regarding cost, payments, advances, etc.

Shabu: Why should they do it?  They also make enough money through contracts.

Parrilter:  There is a difference.  They loot in a small way but follow the procedures.  We loot in a big way by throwing out all procedures.

Shabu: So what to do now?

Parritler: We will ask the contractor who built the bridge to repair the bridge.  And you people do not have to worry about anything.  I am following the latest technology in running my Government.  It is called TPFR Technology. Now we should finish this meeting.  I have to go immediately and inspect the collapsing bridge.

(All of them leave the CM’s chambers.  Parritler can be heard instructing the Director of Misinformation and Duplicity Shri Messpande to send photographers with him and to arrange for a Press conference.)

Bolingker: (While walking with Parritler) What is this new TPFR technology?

Parritler: (With a mischievous smile and hush tone) Take People For A Ride.

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